Renee Page 12

  After what had taken place with Slice, she didn’t want to show it or admit it, but she had fallen into a deeper depression. It had happened a little over a week ago, and every night, she had dreamed about it, smelled it, and relived it. Except parts of what she dreamed hadn’t happened. She’d dreamed that Slice was raping her, and while he held her down, she’d look at him and discover he was Curtis. Each time she looked at him, he’d smile and reach out to rub her face. Renee would wake up in a cold sweat, her heart beating a mile a minute and her mind in shambles.

  She didn’t like leaving the comfort of her home, but she needed a release. She needed to pound the pavement and go jogging in order to deal with her rage. She threw on a pair of black sweatpants and a matching sports bra, and strapped her gun to her ankle. It was 10:00 p.m., and hardly anyone was strolling in one of the largest parks in New York City. As she stepped into the park, she jammed the earbuds connected to her smartphone in her ears and started running.

  By leaving her home, Renee risked being spotted by enemies. Julian and her crew, whose job it was to protect her and contribute to the growth of the business, would be none too pleased if they found out she had slipped out without them noticing. But her own safety had to take a backseat right now. She needed to breathe. When jogging, she had nothing to do but think about her life. As she jogged now, for a brief second she thought of Jared. It was funny how sex changed everything. Like a light switch, it turned on and off certain behaviors, and it added heartache to the mix. Whenever she looked at Jared, his eyes were flooded with emotion.

  Eminem’s song “Cleanin’ Out My Closet” blasted through the earbuds. She knew every word and sang along, like she’d written the song herself. Every other time she listened to the song, she would flash back to the time Curtis raped her and her mother poked her head in the room. When Renee called out to her, Sheila closed the door and never intervene. Renee had always viewed her mother as an accomplice, a dog without a muzzle. As she listened the song, her mind would then drift to the verbal abuse and the horrific beatings her mother used to give her for little things she had forgotten to do, such as washing the last dish in the sink or cleaning spilled milk on the counter. Page had walked around, making a mess, and had never been confronted. Had never been held to the same standard as Renee. She’d been the house’s princess, and Renee had been nothing but a stepchild who was used and abused beyond repair. Renee had been an enemy in her own home, and not a day had gone by when her mother hadn’t reminded her of that.

  Renee balled her fists up as she jogged, and bit down on her bottom lip. She was past the crying and the constant pity parties she had thrown and attended. Once upon a time, she’d cry for hours over her past. She’d sit there and play again and again what used to be, what had broken her. There had been times when Renee didn’t think she would survive the abuse, times when she didn’t know how she’d grow up and transcend the horror of her household. The only person she had had was Julian. He’d been her sanity and her hope, but down the road she’d started to sabotage that relationship. She was already tarnished and knew that she could never be what Julian wanted and needed, which was a normal, caring, loving girlfriend without baggage, one on whom a trilogy could be based. He needed a girlfriend who could one day be his wife and the mother of his children. His dreams surpassed the life they were living.

  Renee was everything Julian didn’t deserve; she was miserable and coldhearted, far from the definition of a wife and light years away from being mother material. Deep down inside, she wondered how it would feel to allow herself to be loved and to live a life of peace. Renee hadn’t noticed it, but she was running fast now, the kind of fast that people thought of when they heard the name Flo-Jo. She could barely hear Eminem now, and her legs seemed to have a mind of their own. Sometimes, all she wanted to do was run and never stop.

  Then it happened, what always happened. Her legs got weak, and she started to slow down. Renee pushed and struggled to keep the speed going, but her body wouldn’t allow it. It functioned or didn’t function regardless of her wants. Finally, Renee gave up. She stopped and bent over to catch her breath. When she caught her breath, she stood up straight and snatched the earbuds from her ears. Her phone continued to play loudly.

  As she stood there, lost in her thoughts, it finally hit her that all her life, all she’d been doing was running. Yes, she had got Curtis locked up, but she had run away from her problems by going off to college without anyone knowing but Julian, only to come back to New York and hide out. She hadn’t even shown her face in the very streets she ran. And she’d run away from love and even herself. She had tried to physically outrun everything, but she couldn’t. The only way to stop running, she decided, was to put the whole situation with Curtis behind her and out of her mind, heart, and soul. And it finally penetrated her thick skull that the only way out . . . was through.

  Raindrops started to fall on the concrete jungle. Her phone was nicely tucked away in the inner pocket of her sweats, so she had no reason to worry about it being ruined and abandoning her during her time of need. She didn’t move. Instead, she stood there, with her fingers running through her hair, trying to figure out a way out of her personal prison. A loud crack followed by the roar of thunder sounded before lightning flashed. It lit up the sky and caused the few people about to run for shelter. Renee felt as if one of the lightning bolts had struck her, because a thought came to mind that would end all her problems and allow her to bury all her pain and misery for good.

  She stood erect, a grin across her face. She’d been fighting this plan for years, or maybe just avoiding it, and now she was actually ready to carry it out and put to use her hard-heartedness. There would be no more running. She was tired of it, and of the misery she had grown comfortable with. Sheila’s and Curtis’s luck had run its course, their years of being let off the hook for their sins were over, and Renee was now ready to make her dream a reality. She was going to kill them and free herself from this prison she called life. It was time she moved on.

  Chapter 17

  Lying next to her in bed, Julian watched as Renee’s chest rose and fell. He found comfort in her breathing pattern and could stare at her like this forever. His eyes traveled up her face, and he got lost in her beauty. She was a breathing work of art, a masterpiece he imagined God took time in creating. Renee looked so peaceful. However, behind those eyelids and those angelic looks, Julian knew the inner turmoil that was taking place. He wanted so badly for Renee’s past to release its hold on her and allow her to live.

  For the past three days, he had been battling her mood swings. Like a faucet, one second she ran hot, and the next cold. One minute she was tangled in his arms, unable to get enough of him, and the next she was unforgiving and was spewing obscenities about his disappearance. Every day was a whirlwind he endured for the love of a woman. He knew she was battling the demons Slice had brought back, and even some that he had possibly created, but Julian still couldn’t help but wonder how much more of her behavior he could take. However, whenever he looked at her face, the question turned into a distant memory.

  He stroked her hair and kissed her lips, the softness of hair strands and skin a blessing. “Soon your past will be erased, and it will be just us,” he whispered.

  It was an unspoken fact that Renee and Julian belonged to each other, but he needed it to be official and out in the open, for strangers and all to know and not assume. They were no longer in high school; they were grown-ups and needed to act as such. With her parents gone, Julian hoped that it would open the door for Renee to be an emotionally stable, loving person who understood her worth and set out to better herself. He hoped she’d accomplish what she had always desired and had once spoken about many moons ago—letting go of the past, eliminating all the anguish her family had caused her, and living a life of peace and happiness, which she hoped would one day include Julian as her husband and the father of her children.

  The hit on Curtis was due to go down in two weeks, but
after what had gone down with Slice, Julian was wondering if it should happen sooner. What Slice pulled had affected Renee, whether she wanted to admit it or not. She was twice as angry and unpredictable. She had ordered her crew not to dispose of Slice’s body right away, but to throw it in an abandoned warehouse in Brooklyn for the time being. She had plans for it and needed it to be as close as possible to where everything would unfold, so that when the time came, she could show everyone that turning on her was never an option. A thought maybe, but an actual option never.

  Renee started to twist and turn in her sleep, but she didn’t settle until her naked legs fell on Julian’s and her head landed on his chest. He squeezed her in his arms and thought about his unborn child. Life hurt, but that would all end soon. Disturbing the peace, Julian’s phone danced across the nightstand. Ever since he’d returned to New York, his phone had been ringing off the hook each and every day, but he had ignored it and had sent every call to voicemail. Renee was his main priority; nothing else mattered when trying to repair what was broken with her.

  Julian looked at Renee and knew there was no waking her. She was snoring lightly, and based on his experience, Julian knew her snores would soon grow louder, signaling that she was deep asleep. So he slithered out from underneath her, grabbed his phone, and stepped out onto the terrace in nothing but his boxers. The cold air that hit him felt good. He punched in the code to his phone and listened to his messages.

  “You have fifteen unheard messages,” the recording said.

  Fifteen messages? Julian wondered what was so important that he had fifteen unheard messages.

  “Jay, this is Lincoln. Hit me back. I have some urgent news for you.”

  “Yo, Jay, hit me back as soon as you get this. It’s important.”

  “Jay, you haven’t returned any of my calls. Man, this is life or death.”

  “Jay . . .”

  After the third message, Julian stopped listening. He remembered Lincoln. He was the nerdy kid whom Renee was cool with in high school. He had kept in contact with him, and they talked occasionally, because Julian understood the importance of having alliances, and not enemies, and of fostering relationships with those who knew him before he became the man he was.

  Julian dialed Lincoln’s number, and on the first ring, he picked up.

  “It’s about time you called!” Lincoln exclaimed. “I can’t talk on the phone. Meet me at that diner over in Brooklyn, on Flatlands, Monday, at ten. There’s something you should know.” Lincoln constantly looked around the room, hoping Sheila couldn’t hear him on the phone. They were in Atlantic City for the weekend, and she was in the hotel bathroom, getting dolled up to hit a club that would filled with people half her age.

  “Monday? Shit. Must not be serious if you can’t talk until three days from now.”

  “I’m in AC right now, and this shit has to be spoken about in person. I don’t trust these phones and, son, if you know where Renee is, stay with her until you meet with me.”

  Julian scrunched his face up and looked at the phone. “What the fuck are you talking about, L? Don’t fuck with me.”

  “Baby, tell me what you think about this dress!” Sheila yelled from the bathroom.

  Lincoln heard the doorknob turning.

  “I’m not bullshitting you. Meet me at the diner on Monday and watch over Renee,” Lincoln whispered into the phone.

  Julian opened his mouth to speak, but Lincoln had already hung up. He contemplated calling back, but something told him that if Lincoln had been able to talk, he would have. Lincoln wasn’t a street dude, and although he had got clowned in high school, there wasn’t a time when Lincoln hadn’t used his best judgment. Julian had no choice but to sit back and wait until Monday. He sucked his teeth and went back into Renee’s bedroom. The sight of the sheets cascading down her body and exposing her skin put a smile on his face. Julian had no patience and needed a release, so he walked over to Renee and slid his hand up her thigh. She was the perfect distraction.

  Chapter 18

  Julian couldn’t believe what he was hearing. For weeks, he had wondered if putting a hit out on Curtis and Sheila without Renee’s knowledge was smart on his part. He’d been sure that killing them would free Renee of her demons, but he’d wondered if he was wrong for hiding his plan from her, because Renee had to have her hand in every pot that concerned her and she despised secrets. But now that Renee sat across from him, with her arms planted on the bedroom table and her eyes staring into his, having just finished telling him that she had decided to put a hit out on her mother and stepfather herself, he knew he’d made the right decision.

  “Is this what you want? Do you truly believe you can live with yourself after the fact?” Julian waited for an answer, hoping she had thought everything through. It was one thing for him to make such a decision for her, but it was an entirely different thing for her to plan it on her own.

  “It has to be done. After all these years, as embarrassed as I am to admit it, I finally figured out what I have to do.” She laughed, even though nothing was funny. “The only way I can get over my past is to let it go, literally.” Renee stared in his eyes. “I’m just hoping to find myself when it is all said and done.” Renee tapped her fingers on the tabletop.

  She went on. “I’m a miserable woman, Julian. In order to deal with pain, I inflict it on others. I push coke and murder whoever stands in my way. I ruin lives and will probably go down in history as New York’s most notorious drug dealer,” she smirked. “Yet I can’t even show my face or let my government name ring through the streets, because I’m too busy hiding from my past. I’m too busy running from my mommy.” She shook her head. “I’m tired of hiding. I want to live a normal life and be happy. When people think of me, I want to be associated with something positive, and this isn’t it.”

  Renee looked around at her expensive surroundings. So many of the things people gawked at behind the glass windows of high-end stores now disgusted Renee. She’d come to realize that money and material objects meant nothing if your heart was in turmoil. Though he hadn’t grasped this, Julian could see that living a queenpin lifestyle had quickly becoming old and boring for Renee. Long ago she had stop spending money and purchasing what many couldn’t afford. Her bank account had grown, and so had the dust in her closet and on her furniture.

  She looked at him, and a lone tear ran down her cheek. “And when you look at me, I don’t want you to see the monster that killed our baby.”

  Chills ran through Julian. It felt like a hand had torn through his chest and held his heart in a vise grip. Was this a dream? If so, he didn’t want to wake up. He wanted to see it through and find out how it ended. Renee having brought up the topic of their unborn child was no easy pill to swallow, but the direction the conversation was going had piqued his interest.

  “I want to be happy, Julian, like when my father was alive and I first met you. I was living in hell, yet somehow meeting you brought me to heaven.”

  Julian didn’t know if it was the words she spoke that took his breath away or the fact that she was staring in his eyes while saying them. He swallowed, trying to remove the knot in his throat. He didn’t know how to react. Renee had never been so calm, so . . . human.

  She went on. “You made my life bearable, you made it a lot easier to live, and you gave me something that I hadn’t had since my father died . . . love. And let’s not forget your mother was more of a mother to me than my own, may God rest her soul.”

  Renee’s eyes fell down to the table, and she played with a soda cap, pretending it was a dreidel. She spun it and spun it. Both her and Julian’s eyes followed it. For a long time, the two just stared at the cap while lost in thought. Then it spun off the table. Julian’s mother, who had died three years ago, was a touchy subject for both Renee and Julian. No matter how many years passed, her death was a wound that would never heal. The thought of his mother now made Julian emotional. Her passing had been one of the hardest things he’d had to endure. She
was his best friend, and in the blink of an eye, she’d been taken away from him. This loss had ripped Julian to shreds, but at the same time it had brought Renee and him closer together. Losing his mother had enabled Julian to understand fully the pain Renee endured daily since losing her father.

  Renee had taken the death of Mrs. Black hard, almost as hard as she had taken her father’s passing. She had locked herself in her room for days after her funeral and had allowed a dark cloud to hover over her. Not only had she lost her friend, but she’d lost the only person who was a real mother to her. The death of Mrs. Black had made Renee sink deeper into the black hole she was already in, and it had made the effort of getting herself out of her funk harder.

  Julian turned his head away from the cap and wiped the fallen tear from his face. Renee reached across the table and placed her hand on top of his. Her touch paralyzed him. Sure, he felt her whenever they had sex, but this was different. This was actually the feelings that he had for her being returned to him after all these years. This was their partnership and love.

  He told himself to grab her, to cover her with his arms and torso, and never let her go, but his body wouldn’t comply. He was frozen, a sculpture ready to be placed in front of an ancient building in some foreign place that tourists would pay to see. After finding the strength to take his eyes off their clasped hands, he looked up at her.